According to dictionary.net the word AVOID is defined "To quit or evacuate; to withdraw from." I have to say that's exactly what I have been doing. I have been avoiding my blog and the blogs of others.

Why, you ask? Well, it's simple...

I'm tying not to think about ADOPTION! Every time I read about other family's and their adoption adventures I wonder if I'm the only one feeling empty.

While I was in Haiti a few weeks back I was reminded CONSTANTLY of how empty I feel without Sofia! I got the privilege to see two families, that I know personally, arrived in Haiti to take home their children. While I was ecstatic for them; truly Happy and thrilled for them, I had an extremely difficult coming to terms with, "Why NOT me?". At least on of the families was around all but one day of my trip. I can't tell you how hard it was to see the joy in their eyes and hear the excitement in their voices. I was torn.

I wanted to be, visibly, happy for them but each time I allowed myself to forget that Sofia wasn't coming home with me I immediately stopped my joy for them. I recognized how selfish I was being and wanted to be selfless. I don't know why, I just couldn't.

I know all the right ways to think... They ways God would have had me respond. I did try. I don't know if these families knew how broken I was. There was one moment when I had no control and just started to cry. They were so sweet to me but they knew they couldn't console me and they didn't try. I really appreciated that. They understood. That was important to me.

I hate knowing I'm being selfish and not able/willing to stop. It's difficult not to be selfish in these situations. Many of us, adoptive parents, decided to adopt because WE wanted to grow our families. I WANTED... WE WANTED. For us it was selfish; not that we haven't felt God's hand in the entire process. We know He is who's making this happen. But still, we wanted to adopt for US!

I find myself jealous and envious of anyone who is farther along than me and wondering, "what's wrong with me? Do I not deserve Sofia?" And you know, the correct response is there is nothing good in me and I don't deserve her. If Sofia comes home it won't be because I did anything to deserve her. It will be because God chose to give her to us for whatever reason.

I don't say any of this to indicate my trip was bad. It was AMAZING! It was just hard!

So, in closing, I'm sorry for my AVOIDANCE! I guess I'm just trying to work things out in my own heart.

Lord,

I need you!


TTYL,
Laura

Hey All-

I have been back from Haiti since Wednesday. I had a great trip! Sofia is as beautiful as ever. I can't believe how much I fall in love with her each time I see her. She is such a sweetie. If you'd like to check out the pics I took you can go to the following link: http://adoptingsofia.shutterfly.com/ Hope you enjoy!

Also thought you would like to see a little video I took of Sofia the second day there. She's too cute for words!

Enjoy!

Bonjour

I wanted to stop in to tell a quick story about my sweet Sofia!

We went site seeing today and things were going well. We decided to stop at the Baptist Mission for lunch. I ordered pizza for Sofia and a sandwich for myself. When the pizza came Rachel (the Orphanage director) and I noticed that Sofia would NOT eat anything. After a few minutes Rachel says to me, "I think she needs to be changed, she stinks." So I got her out of the highchair and noticed immediately that POO was on the highchair and her dress. "OH NO", I said. I walked her to the bathroom and the attendant pointed us to a table and as soon as I laid her down the attendant said, "OOOOOOHHHHH!" I Iaughed and changed her clothes and cleaned her all up. As we were walking back to the table later I noticed that there was Poo even on the floor that had fallen of her leg. I know, Gross right! As I sat with her on my lap and knew she wasn't feeling well I thought about how long it had been since I had to clean up that kind of mess. I realized again how much I love being a mommy(even when it's gross)!

Thanks heavens for my sweet baby girl!

Have a good Day

I spent my first day with Sofia yesterday... she's even more beautiful than last time!!! I will try to upload some pics as soon as I can. The best thing was when she saw me yesterday morning she smiled and came right to me. She loves the picture book I made her and the baby doll I brought!!!!

I'll post more later!!!

time for breakfast and a bath!!!!

Laura

P.S. Sorry the pic is on its side!