According to dictionary.net the word AVOID is defined "To quit or evacuate; to withdraw from." I have to say that's exactly what I have been doing. I have been avoiding my blog and the blogs of others.
Why, you ask? Well, it's simple...
I'm tying not to think about ADOPTION! Every time I read about other family's and their adoption adventures I wonder if I'm the only one feeling empty.
While I was in Haiti a few weeks back I was reminded CONSTANTLY of how empty I feel without Sofia! I got the privilege to see two families, that I know personally, arrived in Haiti to take home their children. While I was ecstatic for them; truly Happy and thrilled for them, I had an extremely difficult coming to terms with, "Why NOT me?". At least on of the families was around all but one day of my trip. I can't tell you how hard it was to see the joy in their eyes and hear the excitement in their voices. I was torn.
I wanted to be, visibly, happy for them but each time I allowed myself to forget that Sofia wasn't coming home with me I immediately stopped my joy for them. I recognized how selfish I was being and wanted to be selfless. I don't know why, I just couldn't.
I know all the right ways to think... They ways God would have had me respond. I did try. I don't know if these families knew how broken I was. There was one moment when I had no control and just started to cry. They were so sweet to me but they knew they couldn't console me and they didn't try. I really appreciated that. They understood. That was important to me.
I hate knowing I'm being selfish and not able/willing to stop. It's difficult not to be selfish in these situations. Many of us, adoptive parents, decided to adopt because WE wanted to grow our families. I WANTED... WE WANTED. For us it was selfish; not that we haven't felt God's hand in the entire process. We know He is who's making this happen. But still, we wanted to adopt for US!
I find myself jealous and envious of anyone who is farther along than me and wondering, "what's wrong with me? Do I not deserve Sofia?" And you know, the correct response is there is nothing good in me and I don't deserve her. If Sofia comes home it won't be because I did anything to deserve her. It will be because God chose to give her to us for whatever reason.
I don't say any of this to indicate my trip was bad. It was AMAZING! It was just hard!
So, in closing, I'm sorry for my AVOIDANCE! I guess I'm just trying to work things out in my own heart.
I need you!
Monday, April 20, 2009 | | 3 Comments
I have been back from Haiti since Wednesday. I had a great trip! Sofia is as beautiful as ever. I can't believe how much I fall in love with her each time I see her. She is such a sweetie. If you'd like to check out the pics I took you can go to the following link: http://adoptingsofia.shutterfly.com/ Hope you enjoy!
Also thought you would like to see a little video I took of Sofia the second day there. She's too cute for words!
Friday, April 10, 2009 | | 3 Comments
I wanted to stop in to tell a quick story about my sweet Sofia!
We went site seeing today and things were going well. We decided to stop at the Baptist Mission for lunch. I ordered pizza for Sofia and a sandwich for myself. When the pizza came Rachel (the Orphanage director) and I noticed that Sofia would NOT eat anything. After a few minutes Rachel says to me, "I think she needs to be changed, she stinks." So I got her out of the highchair and noticed immediately that POO was on the highchair and her dress. "OH NO", I said. I walked her to the bathroom and the attendant pointed us to a table and as soon as I laid her down the attendant said, "OOOOOOHHHHH!" I Iaughed and changed her clothes and cleaned her all up. As we were walking back to the table later I noticed that there was Poo even on the floor that had fallen of her leg. I know, Gross right! As I sat with her on my lap and knew she wasn't feeling well I thought about how long it had been since I had to clean up that kind of mess. I realized again how much I love being a mommy(even when it's gross)!
Thanks heavens for my sweet baby girl!
Have a good Day
Saturday, April 04, 2009 | | 3 Comments
I spent my first day with Sofia yesterday... she's even more beautiful than last time!!! I will try to upload some pics as soon as I can. The best thing was when she saw me yesterday morning she smiled and came right to me. She loves the picture book I made her and the baby doll I brought!!!!
I'll post more later!!!
time for breakfast and a bath!!!!
P.S. Sorry the pic is on its side!
Thursday, April 02, 2009 | | 3 Comments
August 24, 2009
August 21, 2009
Picked up August 17, 2009
August 14, 2009
August 11, 2009
picked up July 20, 2009
Late April 2009
April 6, 2009
February 11, 2009?
Exited Parquet and Legal?:
Entered Parquet: ?
Dossier Arrived in Haiti:
First Picture of Sofia:
Decided to adopt from Haiti: